HOW SENTIMENTAL ARE YOU?

By MoriEl Randolph | November 30, 2007

Here's a quick test you can take to help determine if you are a victim of sentiment.

Scenario: There is a woman in your life that you have a close (non-romantic) relationship with. Throughout the years in which you've known her, she has managed to eat herself to the point of disability.

Now, unable to work or effectively do for herself, she frequently looks to you for money. She solicits you often for help with financial obligations and medication, some of which she could do without if she would simply lose the weight.

Questions:

1) Would you give her the money? If so, how often?
2) If not, is there anything you would do to help her?

Think about your answers, then stop here. Do not read past this sentence until after you've written down your answers. Have you written them down? Don't cheat!
Ok, next question:

What if the woman was your mother? Are you now inclined to change your answer? If so, be absolutely honest as you ask yourself the next question. Why would you now consider changing your answer? If the only answer you can come up with is: "because she's my mother," then your influence is sentiment. It certainly is not what would be best for your mother.

It doesn't matter if it's your mother, father, sibling, spouse, or child. If you want to show true Caring Concern for someone, you have to discern what would serve his or her highest good. Caring Concern is the type of love that you can give any living being or creature that exists. You don't have to like the person in order to give it. You don't have to know the person in order to give it. All you have to do is think to yourself, "What if that were me?" The Greeks call it Agape. It's the type of love THE ALMIGHTY teaches us to have toward one another and it's the type of love HE shares with us.

When HE gives HE does so according to what HE knows is right, good, and edifying. As for what we ask HIM for, HIS children are supposed to learn from HIM and make requests according to what HE has taught them. Any good parent would do the same. Why? Because they want what's best for their child. Should our natural children be the only human beings we share that type of concern for?

Abraham Lincoln once said, "The worst thing you can do for those you love is the things they could do for themselves." Now I didn't know Abe personally, but based on what I do know about him, I think he's a pretty credible guy to listen to regarding this subject. Especially since historians tell us that he believed strongly in being honest. In fact, he also said, "I always tell the truth because that way I don't have to remember what I said." It earned him the nickname "Honest Abe."

So many times we hurt the ones we claim to love the most due to sentiment. Sentiment blinds us to what the real need is. Only when we look at a situation void of sentiment can we see clearly what's best for the individual. I know of a dad who permitted his daughter to come live with him. He complained to me about how the daughter did not wish to clean, or work, or contribute to the bills. Too often he would find himself fussing about it. He shared with me how bad it made him feel, but that he had to do it in order to get through to her.

The fact was he wasn't getting through to her. No matter how upset he became, or how much he raised his voice, she continued to do-or in this case, not do-what he requested of her as a resident in his home. His daughter was a young woman in her early twenties. So when he told me that he didn't wish to fuss at her, I asked him why did he, especially since it wasn't doing any good. We were not talking about a minor child; we were talking about a grown woman. If he wanted to truly help his daughter, he needed to give her an ultimatum and a set time to meet it. Either do what you need to do in order to stay, or find some place else to live.

Since his daughter was lazy, not stupid, she would more than likely make the necessary changes unless she had some place else to go. If that was the case, hey, problem solved.
Unless, of course, the father had other motives for putting a roof over her head, such as loneliness or guilt due to missed opportunities during her childhood.
By raising his voice and telling his daughter the same things over and over again, he was doing himself and his daughter a great injustice. Who doesn't know how frustrating and stressful it is to talk, yell, or nag at someone to do what they should have the common sense or thoughtfulness to do on their own? Most of the time, the talking is hurting both of you. There's a time for talking, and there's a time for walking. The removal of sentiment can enable us to make wiser choices for others and ourselves. Many battered spouses permit themselves to stay subject to physical abuse due to sentiment. Permitting ourselves to be taken in by a sob story, tears, or the dreaded "pleeeeeeeassse" is not a show of true Caring Concern, but pure sentiment. Rid yourself of sentiment, and your life will become a lot less stressful. Your choices will also become more beneficial for you, your family, and others.

Don't let sentiment get in your way.

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